On being stagnant.

I've been searching for a job now for quite some time. I've applied, emailed, called, interviewed (in person and over the phone) and just about done it all. I hate being so still. I cannot sit still and just let my life slowly drift by. It is by our actions how we define ourselves, not some predestined privilege that we are born into. I for the first time in a long time now I do not belong to a group to lead, a school to study in, or even an ensemble to play with. I am stagnant; I have never been so still in my life. I find myself yearning for a score to study, a lesson to form, a concert to give. I have taken for granted some gifts that are given to me. The ability to lead, the ability to inspire others and the ability to perform. Maybe some lesson of humility is to be learned from the past 4 months of my life. A lesson of holding dear those talents and dedications that have been bestowed in my head and never taking the opportunity to share them with others for granted.

 I need to throw a rock in the pond.

The Unemployed College Graduate

Kerry and I are sitting at home, pathetically and painstakingly networking our way into the public school system. This got me thinking about how bored I am. I'm just sitting at home now, on the couch; there isn't much to do.

I started writing a march this week...who knows when I'll finish it. If I do finish it, I'll need a band to perform it.

My mother is currently in jail (yes, I know...ZOMG Justin Swaim's mother is in jail?!?!?!) and there's no telling what's going to happen to her next. Seems like any type of rehab isn't quite cutting the butter. Seems like she'll be in for a while because we're sure as hell not bailing her out this time.

I came from a good home, a good family. We weren't "rich" but we had everything we needed and [almost] anything we wanted (within reason). I had my first job at 14 years old, which goes to show the values of my parents about hard work and making your own way...they're good people (both Mom and Dad). But, as sometimes happens something went awry in my mother's life...perhaps it had something to do with the divorce. Either way - having an addiction is no way to maintain a family and any sort of meaningful relationship, even if it's with your two sons.

If you know me/my family, you would probably never suspect my mom of being in a prison, but yes I must swallow my pride and say it publicly because I'm tired of keeping it a secret...there are too many incidences over the past few years to mention. All I want for anyone who reads this blog to know is that yes, bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people. What defines those good people however, is how they deal with those bad things that happen to them. I will continue to hold onto faith that one day my mom will kick her problems and come back to her family...who knows ---- a jail cell may be the best rehab someone could ask for.