On being stagnant.

I've been searching for a job now for quite some time. I've applied, emailed, called, interviewed (in person and over the phone) and just about done it all. I hate being so still. I cannot sit still and just let my life slowly drift by. It is by our actions how we define ourselves, not some predestined privilege that we are born into. I for the first time in a long time now I do not belong to a group to lead, a school to study in, or even an ensemble to play with. I am stagnant; I have never been so still in my life. I find myself yearning for a score to study, a lesson to form, a concert to give. I have taken for granted some gifts that are given to me. The ability to lead, the ability to inspire others and the ability to perform. Maybe some lesson of humility is to be learned from the past 4 months of my life. A lesson of holding dear those talents and dedications that have been bestowed in my head and never taking the opportunity to share them with others for granted.

 I need to throw a rock in the pond.

The Unemployed College Graduate

Kerry and I are sitting at home, pathetically and painstakingly networking our way into the public school system. This got me thinking about how bored I am. I'm just sitting at home now, on the couch; there isn't much to do.

I started writing a march this week...who knows when I'll finish it. If I do finish it, I'll need a band to perform it.

My mother is currently in jail (yes, I know...ZOMG Justin Swaim's mother is in jail?!?!?!) and there's no telling what's going to happen to her next. Seems like any type of rehab isn't quite cutting the butter. Seems like she'll be in for a while because we're sure as hell not bailing her out this time.

I came from a good home, a good family. We weren't "rich" but we had everything we needed and [almost] anything we wanted (within reason). I had my first job at 14 years old, which goes to show the values of my parents about hard work and making your own way...they're good people (both Mom and Dad). But, as sometimes happens something went awry in my mother's life...perhaps it had something to do with the divorce. Either way - having an addiction is no way to maintain a family and any sort of meaningful relationship, even if it's with your two sons.

If you know me/my family, you would probably never suspect my mom of being in a prison, but yes I must swallow my pride and say it publicly because I'm tired of keeping it a secret...there are too many incidences over the past few years to mention. All I want for anyone who reads this blog to know is that yes, bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people. What defines those good people however, is how they deal with those bad things that happen to them. I will continue to hold onto faith that one day my mom will kick her problems and come back to her family...who knows ---- a jail cell may be the best rehab someone could ask for.

Blessed is the man

If you haven't heard Sergei Rachmaninov's Vespers, then I whole-heartidly believe you are missing out on one of the greatest (in my opinion) musical achievements created by any man. Particularly I would like to point out the second and third texts:

the second... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3yAlequsRc

BLESS THE LORD, O MY SOUL, blessed art thou, O Lord.
O Lord my God, thou art very great.
Thou art clothed with honour and majesty.
Blessed art thou, O Lord.
The waters stand upon the mountains.
Marvellous are thy works, O Lord.
In wisdom hast thou made all things.
Glory to thee, O Lord, who hast created all.




and the third... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQTzQpTbr4c

BLESSED IS THE MAN who walks not in the counsel of the wicked. Alleluia.
For the Lord knows the way of the righteous but the way of the wicked will perish. Alleluia.
Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice in him with trembling. Alleluia.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him. Arise, O Lord! Save me, 
O my God! Alleluia.
Salvation is of the Lord; and thy blessing is upon thy people. Alleluia.
Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, 
both now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.
Alleluia. Glory to thee, O God.


Both of these are some of the most gorgeous pieces that I've ever heard. The second points out the glory and splendor of God. The third glories in the man who is righteous enough to give adequate praise to God. I thought I might share these with you all in hopes that they might bring home those most fundamental values of the human soul. Enjoy them...they are so rarely perfect.

Do or do not, there is no try.

As many of you know, I've just completed the performance studies of my music education degree. This is a very bittersweet feeling for me. I love playing music...that's why I'm doing what I am with my life. I've learned the most about music by diligent practice on my instrument. There is no substitute for the learning experience of performance. If you were at my senior recital, you know that I played many many notes. But if it's the one thing I've learned in the past four years is that you're not always going to hit them all. Chances are if you hit them all, something's going to be out of tune eventually. Now, don't misconstrue this as a "you don't need to be good" speech. If you know me, you know that I'm (sort of) a perfectionist. I believe that if it's worth doing, then it's worth doing right.  I'm merely pointing out that even if you're not the most technically skilled musician, there is so much to learn just by playing music for people. I think this is the most valuable lesson that I've learned these past four years. My ears have developed quite a bit recently and I think that I'm an adequate musician to go into the world and help others be too.

Never, never, never give up.

The beginning of the end.

So this fall will begin my last year at UNCG. I have some very fond memories and some that I'd like to forget, but that's the beauty of it all. I've made some of my best friends and enemies at school. I've learned to live on my own (for the most part) and be somewhat self sufficient. I'm ready to get out there and teach music. I love music and my vision has not changed since I've been at school. I've never changed my major or course of study. I had already decided a long time ago that music is what I was going to do with my life. I think the exciting part of this final year will be wrapping it all up and putting some finality to the experience. College has been fun and one day I'll return to academia to get another degree (maybe two more, God willing) but for now I'm ready to finish the last year and get a job with a salary. If you're reading this, perhaps you've had some sort of influence in my collegiate career and I thank you for that.

Keep the faith and be steadfast in your goals, visions, and dreams. Just remember, if I had listened to some critics, I would not be here. This is no goodbye letter, just a thank you to the people who have made it all worth while. Thank you to my brothers in Phi Mu Alpha. Thanks to Dr. Askew for being my constant mentor and thanks to my family for all the love and support.

Indebted,
JS

Independence Day

This time every year I'm reminded of the American Revolution and what absolute guts our forefathers had to have had. The put it all out on the line because they knew what they were doing was right. When I mean they put it all on the line, I mean they could have been hanged for treason and their families killed, had they been caught. So when I hear people say that they're ashamed to be an American or that they feel embarrassed to say so, it kind of hurts. Now I'm not the one to wear a huge red, white, and blue flag for a shirt, but when somebody does, I respect that so much. We still need patriots. So next time you encounter someone who doesn't think it's "cool" to be an American anymore...one of those hipsters (the elderly man in me showing through) try to remind them of the countless men and women who have sacrificed all for you to call yourself one. Be proud for once.

When then congressman John Adams spoke of the severance of America from the crown during the debate for independence he said:

Objects of the most stupendous magnitude, measures in which the lives and liberties of millions, born and unborn are most essentially interested, are now before us. We are in the very midst of revolution, the most complete, unexpected, and remarkable of any in the history of the world.

He is my favorite of them all.

The Harassed.

      Today my friend Austin and I were eating a subtle lunch of cheap Wack Arnold's cheeseburgers. We had gone to the back of the place to eat and found a table not really close to anybody. I was gnawing away at my grease-saturated, sloppy, yet decadent one dollar burger when I look up to see a man. The man was approaching our table. He sat down uncomfortably close to us and said, "Man...have you guys ever been discriminated against?" I already knew where this was going. You might think he was going to ask us for money, and if you did you'd be right...very right. He described to us that he had fallen off of a dirt bike, hit his head and gone to the hospital. He showed Austin the back of his head which was scratch-less and continued his complaint that the hospital had "discriminated" against him because they had only given him ibuprofen for his head...not even discrimination, mind you.

The story goes on.

      The man, obviously desperate enough to sit at a table near total strangers asked if he could get a ride to a homeless shelter. I said no I'm going to Virginia to see some family (I wasn't). He then asked for $3.75 to take a bus. I said no, I don't carry cash...it's all on my card (another lie but at this point I couldn't care less about it). Austin's reply was the same. He then asked us if we would buy him lunch. So, at this point, it's obvious that he didn't want money for his original story...I proceeded to mentally check out and trash any compassion that I had originally felt. If you're going to ask strangers for money at least get your story straight.


I digress. Here's the good part.

      He said, "Something bad could happen to you." Pointing at Austin he said, "You could go home and somebody could have raped and killed your mama." Pointing back to me he stated, "...and you could get in a horrible wreck on your way to Virginia." Obviously he's getting mad at this point. So this goes on for a few terribly awkward minutes. He then made his way to the point of asking us for money again. Austin replied that he works hard for his money and he wouldn't feel guilty for not giving it away. We then said that we were leaving and the man said, "Go on then, redneck! Raised up just like your daddy, probably a member of the KKK!"

We left.

I don't feel bad.  I agree...what money I do have is mine and I don't want a guilt trip when I say no to giving it away. If I say no, move on to the next person and save your pitty party for someone else. Just walk up, say you're homeless, ask for a few bucks, I'll say yes or no, and go about your business. I've given money to people before because they seem somewhat genuine, but in this case, I feel absolutely no pitty.